A Sarcastic Look at the Mortgage Process

A Sarcastic Look at the Mortgage Process

A Sarcastic Look at the Mortgage Process

The Preface

Frank and I have been in the process of trying to buy a home for several months, and yesterday that happened. We are now officially homeowners! Our original projected closing date was supposed to be July 22, 2016, but as that date came and went, and the need to move reached boiling levels, so was my frustration.  To deal with this frustration, I was posting on Facebook (what I believe are funny) hyperbolic anecdotes of what the process was like.  I have never received more traction or likes since posting these anecdotes, and it was suggested that I share them as a blog post.

While this may not seem like it’s related to our business, intrinsically it is. One of the main reasons we bought a new home is because the home we chose will have a dedicated crafting lab AND an office – no more are the days of running between multiple locations. Unfortunately, as we have been on the “brink” of moving for the last few weeks, I’ve had to pause crafting, and thus have been selling out of products before I can remake them. I know my awesome long-standing customers completely understand, but from a business perspective, it’s frustrating to present myself in a way that is not normal. Anyone who knows me, knows I am, to the utmost degree, a type-A personality who has everything done weeks before its due.

With that said, my frustration over this process made me implode. It was nothing but a repetitive mix of duplicate information and miscommunication, and for someone who is a zealot with organization, part of me wanted to run over there and take over their offices. Now with the impending school year coming, I am rushing to try and pack and move and pack and move before I have to start planning. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to get our stuff over there for another couple of weeks while we clean and prep, so I am on the brink of a stress-breakdown. Patience has never been my strength, but as the old adage warns, I must be calm and pour the honey.

The Sarcasm

Day 2
Me: So, we’re pre-qualified, that means this process should be easy, right?
Bank: Very easy.
Me: Ok, great. What will you need from us?
Bank: [Lists everything I gave them for pre-qualification]
Me: But, you used all of that to pre-qualify us? You have it.
Bank: Now it needs to go to the qualification department.

Day 16
From the bank – We will need:
1. 2nd grade report card
2. Hair sample
3. Fingerprints
4. Last menstrual cycle
5. Food diary for 2016
6. Pants size
7. Liver biopsy
8. SAT scores
9. Wedding guest list
10. Character statement from Attorney General
11. Costco membership ID card

Day 22
Me: I was reviewing the paperwork you emailed, and my husband’s last name is incorrect.
Bank: We have it listed as Fusaro-Pizzo.
Me: That’s MY last name. I hyphenated. He’s just Pizzo.
Bank: We have it listed as Fusaro-Pizzo.
Me: No, just Pizzo, only Pizzo, he never took my last name. PIZZO.
Bank: Ok, we changed your name to Pizzo Fusaro-Pizzo.

Day 29
Bank: Where did you get your retirement funds?
Me: From working…?
Bank: Are you retired?
Me: No. You have my current pay stubs. I am still employed. My retirement is automatically deposited into my retirement account from my pay checks.
Bank: Where did you get your retirement funds?

Day 33
Me: Hi, I noticed that my husband’s first name is now spelled incorrectly.
Bank: K-R-I-S-T-E-N

Day 46
From the bank – We will need:
1. A second copy of your immunization records
2. A letter from your 3rd grade teacher outlining your behavior
3. Your bank records since 1960…again.
4. An explanation for why you purchased only a coffee with your bank card on April 10, 2002.
5. A detailed letter explaining why your parents chose your first name.
6. A copy of your AOL profile from 1997.
7. A report from your last two gynecological exams.
8. We’ll need to check up your skirt to verify #7.

Day 55
Bank: You need a binder of home insurance before we can issue a closing date.
Me: Ok, I gave you the insurance quote from my agent. I’ll follow-up.
Insurance Agent: We cannot produce a binder until a closing date has been offered.

Day 62
Email From Bank: You’ve completed underwriting – You’re Ready to Close!
Me to Frank: Yay! Did you see the email!?
Email From Bank 60 Seconds Later: You’re in the Underwriting Process!
Me: Did we just fail at life?

Day 67
Me: So, any news; how are we in the process?
Bank: We’re waiting on your paperwork, page XYZ.
Me: We sent that over a week ago.
Bank: Yes, but signed.
Me: Yes, we sent it over a week ago, by email, fax, uploaded it to your website, Hedwig, carrier pigeon, and Hermes.
Bank: So, we’ll be needing your XYZ papers.

Day 74
Bank: You’re cleared to close!
Lawyer: No, they’re not ready to move out yet.

Day 75
Lawyer: You’re cleared to close!
Bank: Here are your closing costs.
Me: But, we already paid for many of these services?
Bank: Here are your closing costs.
Me: ::face palm::

The Disclaimer

And there you have it, my perspective on the mortgage process. Now, I need to offer a disclaimer here because everyone in the process has been incredibly nice and patient with my nagging, and I am exaggerating, of course. Albeit a frustrating process, I am truly trying to stay positive that within the next three years, we will be able to move into our first house.

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